July 27, 1999
The Matrix Wouldn?t it be cool if Jesus was just like Keanu Reeves? I mean, gosh? the Bible is like pretty darn old... it must've been translated like five times or so... there is a language gap. I'm not really sure what nationality Keanu is, but he could potentially be Jewish... Keanu Goldman doesn't sound too hot so he might have changed it to Reeves in his youth. I'm just saying this because I just saw The Devils Advocate (actually a pretty darn good flick, other than the fact that Jesus is terrible in it... uhm... well... you know what I mean), the one where Keanu plays the son of Satan and in the end he turns out to be a great guy. Not that this in itself lead me to consider him being Jesus or anything... I was just feeling religious after seeing it. I mean... think about it... Peter is being his usual human self, and Jesus gets a little peeved, so he says "Duh!" and slaps him over the head. Naturally the Apostles would have just written this off in the Bible, saying that Jesus "chastised" him or something poetic like that.

Naturally at this point, most of the readers will be thinking that I am nuts, or sacrilegious, or both. The point is that I feel the same way. What is the problem with this Jesus/ Keanu crossover? Jesus is the messiah and all that... he saves. I don't conceivably see Keanu saving anything... other than a leftover burrito or something. And maybe that is the problem I have with the Matrix. Granted Keanu did a much better job in this one than in pretty much any other recent movie he has done (the guy is Ted... give me a break... Ted rocked), I think it was just because he didn't really talk that much. Keanu is good at posing, at looking mindlessly violent, and at sounding utterly idiotic. I think the producers figured that best two out of three wasn't that bad.

Another problem I have with Keanu in the role... why give Carrie Moss to someone like Keanu when there are so many other men out there that desperately need someone like Trinity in their lives? I mean, Keanu is trying for the hero role and all that, and heroes are supposed to go home every night and have long hours of wild sex with girls just like Trinity and her nine crazy sorority sisters. Don't even try to argue with me on this one... Dolemite did it... McBain does it... Arnold used to do it but I think he is going for some kind of "wholesome" image nowadays. Magnum PI wishes he could do it. Keanu most certainly doesn't do it. It just doesn't seem... right. Anyway, maybe I'm just jealous... next topic.

Well... now that I've gotten Keanu out of my system, lets move on to something more pleasant. Trinity for instance. Now, I'm going to be honest here... after I saw the Matrix for the first time I was scanning for her name in the credits just like all my friends where, and just like pretty much most males out there. And I went home and checked the web for any good pictures of her I could put on my desktop. I'm not talking porn or anything (though after seeing some of my friends computer desktops for the next week or so I can see that they were)... just something tasteful to take the edge off. I don't know if it is this "chicks with guns" deal that a lot of guys out there seem to have... she just has this aura about her... she is attractive without really trying too hard... that or she just looks good in vinyl. Her acting ability is passable. As far as I am concerned she is perfect for the role.

The other people in the movie were okay. My only problem is that you didn't really see much of them, other than Laurence Fishbourne, who was good in the role, though maybe a little too "deep" at times. I personally liked him in "Event Horizon," though pretty much every other person on the planet hated that movie. I mean jeez, people... it was a horror movie! The way people talk about it, you'd think they were critiquing an art film or something. No, I didn't think it was too gory, and I didn't havea ny problem with "Dr. Grant" playing the bad guy in this one. Sam Niell is a badass. But I digress... *ahem*... anyhoo, other than Laurence, a lot of the other characters in the little club thing were kinda ignored. Especially Switch, and I thought she had potential, with the all white get-up and the attitude. She had about two lines in the whole movie.

I think most people can tell that I am really scraping the barrel for bad things to say about this movie. The fact of the matter is, the movie kicked ass. And yes, I thought it was much better than the new Star Wars could ever be (Gasp!). I can just list off the things that I loved about it: Loads of violence and mayhem. Groovy visual effects. Big guys in business suits kung fu fighting. Trinity. Kick ass soundtrack (I'm actually listening to it right now... track four rocks!). Those black boots Keanu was wearing with the screen door toe thingie. Lots and lots of guns. A modest amount of non-cheesy humor. Lots of high tech gizmos and death machines and whatnot. Cybernetic implantation. Tearjerking drama (sorta). Did I mention violence and mayhem?

Anyway, that's my recommendation. I figure that most people reading this have already seen the movie, and if you haven't, you probably aren't going to see it regardless of what I write here. So consider this less of a review and more of an emotional outburst... like two guys sitting in a bar reminiscing over past relationships. Only this isn?t a bar and I don?t know who the hell you are. Anyway, that aside, I think you should go out and see it again... its gotta be in a dollar theater out there someplace. Spend less time on the computer... it rots your mind.

(by nick, just nick. nickromancer@yahoo.com)
Posted by Arcterex at July 27, 1999 12:49 AM