The Haunting When I go to "classic" horror movies like "The Haunting," I usually arrive a good 10-15 minutes late. I figure, "this is a dumb movie, what could I miss? Just the basic character introductions." That's exactly what I missed in The Haunting, a thriller so lazy it doesn't bother to come up with a new setting. Oooh, a haunted house, that'll scare every 7-year-old in America! This movie really is an adaption - or butchering, your call - of the play "The Haunting of Hill House" by great, wonderful, fantastic, etc, author Shirley Jackson (best known for her short story "The Lottery"). The terror in that story came not from what you saw, but what you didn't see - fear by implication, a powerful tool. Unfortunately, the makers of The Haunting had a little too much to drink one night and got CGI-happy. Everything in this film is overdone. If you want to make an over-the-top, outrageous thriller, that's something else, but they don't quite reach for that either - no gore, just one minor injury, and no deaths for the first 1 hour and 55 minutes of this 2 hour, 5 min. flick.

Basically, there are some people in a big, scary, really cool-looking house, and, well... that's it. Lily Taylor, a fabulous actress (The Impostors) makes a good show of going over the edge of psychosis, and Catherine Zeta-Jones (Mask of Zorro) makes a good show of being bisexual and coming on to Lili. Everyone else stands there and occasionally looks scared. The film has the fingerprints of Steven Spielberg, head of Dreamworks, all over it, and thus the ending is predictable before the movie starts - the man gave the Holocaust a happy ending!
There is one redeeming moment in the entire mess, a hilarious decapitation scene. I don't think it was supposed to be funny. Katherine and I just find decapitations - especially cheesy ones, with bad dialogue to boot! - really funny. It's too late at that point to start being scary, anyway.

I suspect this film claims it's not full of cliches, but instead "archetypes of fear." Either way, it's boring. It nicely backs up my theory that there are only three, maybe four, horror films, and they're remade over and over to seem fresh and keep the hairstyles trendy. Now I remember why I avoid the genre.

Wanna be scared?

Go see "The Blair Witch Project" instead.

-- by fenchurch

Inspector Gadget I figured, of all the geeky movies out there, what's not to love about Inspector Gadget? He's a walking machine, and a fond memory for most of us young geeks -- I've been kicked out of class with friends in the past year for singing the song endlessly, and that was before we heard about the movie. He's just cool, though he has no idea what's going on, and his niece Penny, who actually solves all the crimes, is a great geek grrl heroine, complete with nifty computer watch, and a loveable dog smarter than the adults in the cartoon. Initial reports that Penny and Brain were entirely absent from the film, an outrage to all, were false. Penny and dog are there in fine form, pointing out the painfully obvious to Matthew Broderick's klutzy-but-kind Gadget. While the new, all-heart, all-American incarnation of our favorite crime-fighter is slightly twisted from the incompetent European animated guy we knew, he still manages to satisfy, especially with his slew of awesome live-action special effects.

The biggest heresay in the whole film is The Claw, once the coolest villain on TV. He was evil for evil's sake, fighting Gadget simply because he was his nemesis -- that was enough. More importantly, you NEVER saw The Claw's face. Ever. Now, I love Rupert Everett as much as the next guy -- no, I love Rupert Everett about 150 times more than any guy, *whew*, but his languidly nasty billionaire Scolex is not remotely as frightening as the inherent darkness The Claw should represent. His much-abused scientist Kramer is a hilarious bit from Andy Dick of "NewsRadio", but his dimwitted sidekick Sikes (Michael G. Hagerty) was irritating, and nothing else. It's even explained how he became the Claw -- and it's Gadget's fault! It makes you feel vaguely sorry for the fellow! On the other hand, he won't scare your three-year-old.

No, leave that to the classic evil superhero twin, Robo-Gadget, Claw's evil android creation, intended to manipulate the public into hating Inspector Gadget. Um, exactly how many times have we seen this plotline? Robo-Gadget is scary too, I mean, I had trouble sleeping last night! The only good thing about the entire use of the character was one good Godzilla one-liner, and that was hardly funny as it's been done about 600 times, and was funny only in Jurassic Park, where it was subtle.

Another character written for the movie, on the other hand, was fantastic. Dr. Brenda Bradford (predictably a love interest for Gadget) creates a suitable car for our hero, the GadgetMobile, a talking 1963 Lincoln convertible that drives itself. I want that car. Corny or no, the jokes cracked by the feisty car were the funniest part of the movie, and, hey, it's a cool car, something every movie should have. Two other features of the film were Cheri Oteri (you know her from SNL) as the hyperactive, publicity-obsessed, perfectly portrayed town mayor, and the catchy "Inspector Gadget Theme Song," which I've been kicked out of class (this year) for singing endlessly... several times. Disney wisely decided not to mangle the song to the extreme; in fact, it's hardly tweaked at all. Good thing - if they killed this the way they destroyed the "Doug" theme, I'd have headed over to the Magic Kingdom with a bomb strapped to my chest. On that note, there are some nice self-jabbing Disney jokes in this movie, though not as mean as I'd like.

So, do you see it or not?

Unless you have kids, whether you see this ultimately comes down to how strong your Inner Geek is. The Gadget Within us all is dying to have an appliance in each finger and babelfish.altavista.com-style translator factory installed in our brains, not to mention a car which can hone in on our signal when something bad happens. Be prepared for fake science, obviously - during security guard John Brown's transformation to Inspector Gadget, comlex surgeries are performed using marbles and garden hoses. When the Claw steals the crucial amplifier chip, Gadget can bring himself back to life if he only has enough heart. There is, however, less fake science than in "The Thirteenth Floor," and it's not actually supposed to be real.

If you do have kids, don't worry! There are enough grown-up jokes to keep you awake through most of it, including a sly Austin Power nod or two, if you pay attention. Just be careful afterward to keep your tykes from leaping off any rooftops shouting "Go Go Gadget copter!"
Hey, didn't we all try that once?

-- by fenchurch

Minus Man Trailer Okay, I know, technically it's not a movie, but it is the finest piece of work I've seen this week, so up goes the review! This was one of those trailers that told you absolutely nothing about the film, other than it features Sheryl Crow, but still managed to captivate, amuse, and intrigue. In case you never see it (no one I've talked to outside the one girl I saw it with), it starts with a couple walking out of a movie theater at night, talking animatedly about the movie they've seen. The "Artisan" logo first made me think it was for Blair Witch Project, but the discussion didn't fit. The next shot is of the same couple debating heatedly in a coffee shop, then a club, a restaurant, finally on a bridge. "Look at that," says the man, pointing to the sky, as the sun is just rising. They've been talking all night. The woman panics and runs away immediately. She tears into a building, then stands before a locker, gasping for breath and stripping off her clothes frantically. She runs into the next room, and is revealed in her lifeguard uniform standing before a swimming pool. Two people are floating facedown in the pool; she looks dismayed. Freeze shot for a moment. Cut to tagline: man says "The Minus Man - You could talk about it all night."

The audience sorta looked puzzled for a moment, then burst out into laughter. What a striking preview! A good trailer may precede a bad movie (Wild Wild West), or a good movie that bears no resemblence to the trailer (Rushmore), and neither of the advertised web sites (theminusman.com and shootinggallery.com) work, but all I know now is man! I want to see that trailer again.
-- by fenchurch

The Matrix Wouldn?t it be cool if Jesus was just like Keanu Reeves? I mean, gosh? the Bible is like pretty darn old... it must've been translated like five times or so... there is a language gap. I'm not really sure what nationality Keanu is, but he could potentially be Jewish... Keanu Goldman doesn't sound too hot so he might have changed it to Reeves in his youth. I'm just saying this because I just saw The Devils Advocate (actually a pretty darn good flick, other than the fact that Jesus is terrible in it... uhm... well... you know what I mean), the one where Keanu plays the son of Satan and in the end he turns out to be a great guy. Not that this in itself lead me to consider him being Jesus or anything... I was just feeling religious after seeing it. I mean... think about it... Peter is being his usual human self, and Jesus gets a little peeved, so he says "Duh!" and slaps him over the head. Naturally the Apostles would have just written this off in the Bible, saying that Jesus "chastised" him or something poetic like that. Naturally at this point, most of the readers will be thinking that I am nuts, or sacrilegious, or both. The point is that I feel the same way. What is the problem with this Jesus/ Keanu crossover? Jesus is the messiah and all that... he saves. I don't conceivably see Keanu saving anything... other than a leftover burrito or something. And maybe that is the problem I have with the Matrix. Granted Keanu did a much better job in this one than in pretty much any other recent movie he has done (the guy is Ted... give me a break... Ted rocked), I think it was just because he didn't really talk that much. Keanu is good at posing, at looking mindlessly violent, and at sounding utterly idiotic. I think the producers figured that best two out of three wasn't that bad.

Another problem I have with Keanu in the role... why give Carrie Moss to someone like Keanu when there are so many other men out there that desperately need someone like Trinity in their lives? I mean, Keanu is trying for the hero role and all that, and heroes are supposed to go home every night and have long hours of wild sex with girls just like Trinity and her nine crazy sorority sisters. Don't even try to argue with me on this one... Dolemite did it... McBain does it... Arnold used to do it but I think he is going for some kind of "wholesome" image nowadays. Magnum PI wishes he could do it. Keanu most certainly doesn't do it. It just doesn't seem... right. Anyway, maybe I'm just jealous... next topic.

Well... now that I've gotten Keanu out of my system, lets move on to something more pleasant. Trinity for instance. Now, I'm going to be honest here... after I saw the Matrix for the first time I was scanning for her name in the credits just like all my friends where, and just like pretty much most males out there. And I went home and checked the web for any good pictures of her I could put on my desktop. I'm not talking porn or anything (though after seeing some of my friends computer desktops for the next week or so I can see that they were)... just something tasteful to take the edge off. I don't know if it is this "chicks with guns" deal that a lot of guys out there seem to have... she just has this aura about her... she is attractive without really trying too hard... that or she just looks good in vinyl. Her acting ability is passable. As far as I am concerned she is perfect for the role.

The other people in the movie were okay. My only problem is that you didn't really see much of them, other than Laurence Fishbourne, who was good in the role, though maybe a little too "deep" at times. I personally liked him in "Event Horizon," though pretty much every other person on the planet hated that movie. I mean jeez, people... it was a horror movie! The way people talk about it, you'd think they were critiquing an art film or something. No, I didn't think it was too gory, and I didn't havea ny problem with "Dr. Grant" playing the bad guy in this one. Sam Niell is a badass. But I digress... *ahem*... anyhoo, other than Laurence, a lot of the other characters in the little club thing were kinda ignored. Especially Switch, and I thought she had potential, with the all white get-up and the attitude. She had about two lines in the whole movie.

I think most people can tell that I am really scraping the barrel for bad things to say about this movie. The fact of the matter is, the movie kicked ass. And yes, I thought it was much better than the new Star Wars could ever be (Gasp!). I can just list off the things that I loved about it: Loads of violence and mayhem. Groovy visual effects. Big guys in business suits kung fu fighting. Trinity. Kick ass soundtrack (I'm actually listening to it right now... track four rocks!). Those black boots Keanu was wearing with the screen door toe thingie. Lots and lots of guns. A modest amount of non-cheesy humor. Lots of high tech gizmos and death machines and whatnot. Cybernetic implantation. Tearjerking drama (sorta). Did I mention violence and mayhem?

Anyway, that's my recommendation. I figure that most people reading this have already seen the movie, and if you haven't, you probably aren't going to see it regardless of what I write here. So consider this less of a review and more of an emotional outburst... like two guys sitting in a bar reminiscing over past relationships. Only this isn?t a bar and I don?t know who the hell you are. Anyway, that aside, I think you should go out and see it again... its gotta be in a dollar theater out there someplace. Spend less time on the computer... it rots your mind.

(by nick, just nick. nickromancer@yahoo.com)

Drop Dead Gorgeous Drop Dead Gorgeous is the latest and most outrageous of the slew of late-nineties "Nothing's sacred" comedies, a genre blown open by "There's Something About Mary." As a strike back against the days of "political correctness," it's become a new form of comedy to blatantly insult the mentally challenged, economically disadvantaged (that is, "retards" and "trailer trash," respectively), unabashedly and unapologetically. With a target as wide-open as a beauty pageant, the possibilities for satire are nearly endless, and the new politically incorrect humor almost called for. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

The use of last year's Miss Mount Rose Teen American Princess - who is now hospitalized with serious anorexia - is, to quote a friend "really, really sick." And scathingly hilarious, though I did feel a little bad later for laughing. However, the line "the retard has his pants open" was just, well, stupid.
This mockumentary was darker than I expected, though not necessarily better (Drop Dead Gorgeous isn't just a funny title), and features Minnesota accents, a comic staple that many seem to think is a Fargo rip-off. Obviously, these people have never actually been to Minnesota, where they really do talk like that. Kirstie Alley, apparently, has never been there either. Her accent, performance, dialogue, in fact, everything, is awful. In fact, the only good performance was the girl who did different dog-barks in the talent section, I think. Another jewel of a moment was the wannabe drama-queen performing part of "Soylent Green," which was intended to be mocking but actually made me think she was probably the coolest character in the film.

But I digress. Kirsten Dunst was okay as the heroine (if there is such a thing) of the film, even though her idol, who she babbles about incessantly, is Diane Sawyer. I love Kirsten, in "Interview with a Vampire" through "Devil's Arithmetic." Her turn as Amber Atkins is fairly straightforward, and she get bonus points for her campy trailer park mother (Ellen Barkin) and friend (Allison Janney), and for her after-school job in a funeral parlor. Denise Richards is also passable in her role as the pleasant on the surface, evil on the inside, expected winner of the beauty pageant, the richest and prettiest girl in town, whose mother is in charge of the whole thing. She gets bonus points for being the vice-president of the Lutheran Girls' Gun Club.

While I'm giving points, the whole movie gets a few for including loads of Jell-O salad and a description of lutefisk, what "Fargo" was really missing.

Overall, I got the feeling this movie was holding back a bit from full biting sarcasm and satire, afraid to *really* offend the audience, and thus missing the level of humor it could have reached. It was, however, funny at points, and if you've ever been involved in the back-stabbing world of beauty pageants, or dance, or acting, etc, you'll get a kick out of how familiar some of this is... it's labelled a parody, but it's actually more of a real documentary than the director intended.
-- by fenchurch

Chasing Amy On a recommendation from a friend I saw this video today. It was titled under "romantic comedy" and, while lately my tastes have been for the more action/adventure type, I gave it a shot. The basic premise is a love story about a cartoonist who falls in love with a lesbian, and the obvious trouble that comes with doing something like this. The first half of the movie is basically pure comedy. It's rude, sometimes crude, sometimes realistic, but just hilarious. The speech scene just killed me, lines like "how dare you invoke the holy trinity!" (a reference to Star Wars) were well done and brilliant. The later part of the movie turned darker, the "perfect love" taking the inevidable nose dive as male stupidity kicked in.

This movie said a lot to me personally. There is a lot of insight to be gained from it's commentary on men's and women's relationships, the way we deal with our pasts, and how we deal with others (especially our significant others' pasts. Guys, take heed. Sometimes it's a good idea to look at the way you act by looking at others and examining them.

There were a lot of fantastic scenes. When Holden told Alyssa how he felt about her, and her susequent response, wow, great stuff. The tension was so thick, and emotion so high you were clinging to the edge of your chair wondering how it's all going to turn out. The way that Holden dealt, or didn't deal, with her past was also I thought, quite realistic. There was a lot of good stuff in here, I'll try not to spoil too much of it for you.

I'm not sure if I liked the way this movie ended. It wasn't a bad ending, or a good ending. Possibly the only one really. It did kinda leave me feeling a little empty though, and sad about the way things turned out. This did not, however, detract in any way from this fantastic movie.

Eyes Wide Shut Really, I should write two reviews of Stanley Kubrick's latest - and last - effort. One for those Stanleyphiles who've been waiting four years to see this, and another for the average joe headed to the movies on a summer night. Normally I wouldn't need to make the distinction; it would play for a short time at small independent art film houses, be a disappointment but garner respect, and quickly die in favor of a "Tribute to Kubrick" Dr. Strangelove revival. Something twisted happened, though; someone, somewhere in a distribution company decided to hype this odd bit of work to the masses. Oops. The first time I mentioned that I saw it at work, everyone said "I heard about that; I want to see it." I still can't believe everyone's heard of this -- it must be Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Their casting is a large part of what's wrong with Eyes Wide Shut, as the film capitalizes on smashing their "good-guy" images more than on their acting talent. Nicole's performance is extremely irritating - her delivery is annoying and painful to watch, and she is naked for about 3/4 of the film. Tom plays the same old Tom, this time thrust into an odd sexual-ritual-orgy situation. He reacts the same way he did when he realized he loved Renee Zellweger in "Jerry Maguire." Ho hum.

I've heard several comments that this movie has no plot. Actually, it has a plot so simple that it's almost easy to overlook. Normal husband and wife start to yearn subconsciously for more, feel uncomfortable in life, and toy with cheating on each other in different ways, though neither actually sleeps around. They feel guilty, they get back together. In the middle of this simple equation, kinks such as a truckload of prostitues, graphic fantasies about sailors, a hooded and masked orgy, and more nudity than I or anyone present wanted to see at 9 am on a Saturday. It seeks to shock, and it does, but that doesn't make it any different from South Park when you get down to it, and at least South Park is funny.

So why should you see it? It features some scenes so well shot that you can see Stanley's handprints all over them, with some of the best use of lighting I've ever seen. The plot inconsistencies, including the totally inaccurate portrayal of New York, seem almost quaint to me, and I love that Cruise's character (an M.D.) can show his medical license and get any information/access to off-limits areas at the drop of a hat -- "No, see, I'm a doctor!" Not to mention, if you hate it, at least you get to see Nicole Kidman naked for the paltry $3 a matinee will cost you. You also don't want to be the last person who hasn't see this, which is not shocking at all if you saw Kubrick's "A Clockwork Orange," or something like "A Cook, a Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover," but is the most shocking thing to gain mainstream release in the U.S. for quite some time.

Don't take your kids to see this.
Don't make this a first date movie. Or second, or third...
Watch for the last lines of the film - they alone are why I give it a 4.

If you hate this, go rent "Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb." We still love you anyway, Stan.
-- by fenchurch

Wild Wild West Wild Wild West on opening night. I must say it was not worth the $10. Nor $8. Nor even the $5 they are now charging for cheap-tuesday movie. I'll take TikTok's approach in this case and put some quotes up (sorry if I got 'em wrong):

• Illiad: "I'd like to be Rita's father"
• Zoid: "This one doesn't go on the 'doesn't suck' list"
• DieHard: "Wait for the vcd to come out"

The movie lacked proper pacing (Illiad), and I felt like I was waiting for the movie to start the entire show. There was nothing particularily wrong with any of the characters, just the entire movie (plot, pace, story) was non-existant, disjointed, and bland. There was no purpose to the story. This is what the reviewers said, but I though that maybe they were wrong, not looking at it from a true geek perspective or something, but I was sadly mistaken (and poorer by $10).